10 steps to becoming the worst husband.

The title is not a typo. I am literally going to teach you how to become a complete tool. Hopefully you will have enough brains to see these traits and run in the opposite direction.

1.Demand your way. Do like the glorious gorilla; pound your chest, shout all angry like and declare your demand. Nothing says manly like a brainless brute that understands that he is always right.

2.Never listen. The only people that listen are the ones that have nothing to say and you have a lot to say. You could be denying yourself from a new perspective or a refreshing idea but hey you already know everything you need to know anyway. What helpfull input could your wife add?

3. Your hobbies are more important. It's your passion, your drive, and at the end of the day that fantasy football league is not going to manage itself. You could be spending time with an amazing woman that chose to spend her life with you. But why would you do that if overweight men that you don't know nor care you exist are tackling themselves into a coma.

4. Never say sorry. The word sorry is for men that are wrong and you are never wrong. Some people say that the word shows care and understanding, that it shows that you understand your mistake and you wish to rectify it. In reality it's just another way to spell defeat, don't give up.

5. Lie. Have you ever seen "King of queens" or "Everybody loves Raymond"? I learned one thing from that show. If you ever mess up no matter how small or trivial you should lie about it. Sure it will blow up in your face and you will destroy the sacred trust that is so important for a marriage, but hey, it will be hilarious.

6. It's not cheating unless you touch. You could put effort into your marriage, create an intimate dinner and melt your wife in your hands. But that's a lot of hard work and your tired from staying up since the game went into over time last night. Instead you could do the easy thing and just stare. Sure you're ashamed of yourself and your wife has no respect for you but at least you saved yourself the effort.

7. Assume that her existence revolves around you. Your vows where just words. Really marriage is more like a contract that makes you the absolute overlord that expects everything to be done for him, kind of like Hitler or Satan.

8. Be lazy. Bears hibernate and lions just sit there while the females do the hunting, why not you? Sure you will miss out on the fulfilling feel of sweat pouring from your brow and that look a woman gives her man after a long hard day of work that says "I can't wait to have you". But at least you know what it's like to get a headache from watching too much T.V.

9. Bro's come first. You made your wife a promise and what is a man if it's not for his word? Good question, at the same time who are the ones to laugh at your fart jokes? Enough said.

10. Talk about how much she nags you. You ran out of stuff to say like 15 minutes ago, why not talk about her? She will understand. You are too much of a limp wristed sissy to actually talk to your wife about the issues anyway, so might as well talk about them with guys that are just as miserable as you.

I hope that you are not following any of these steps. If you are, I would respectfully ask you to pray and repent both to God and your wife. Once you do that, you will be well on your way to an amazing marriage.

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