Beautiful repentance.

Why you should man up and embrace it.

I lied and I knew it. I attempted to excuse it in my mind. I told myself that it was not technically a lie it was more of a choice of words and that in reality what I said was simply a reshaping of the truth. With this thought I managed to bear my existance in a Christ centered internship. I went about my day like all the other interns. I read my Bible, prayed and mentored younger people. Everytime I saw the man  I lied to I would simply smile and carry on conversation like nothing happened. All the while I swallowed the bitter poison of shame poured like a shot by my sin. 

You see I did not lie to an ordinary man, I lied to the man at the helm. I lied to our fearless and honored leader, I lied to the head director of the internship. I lied to the man that showed me what God's grace looked like and I felt like hell itself was not enough punishment for my violation of trust.

I knew it was wrong but I had no clue how to fix it. I was too prideful and ashamed to admit my mistake and I was too scared of telling anyone. I thought that since I was in a Christian internship I needed to be perfect and if not perfect at least not evil enough to lie.  During several of our classes I heard the word repentance and it sounded like nails against a chalkboard. I thought of it as a word that brought punishment, a word that brought on defeat, an action that men took right before they where shamed in front of everyone and thrown out of the camp. It was horrific and  I wanted nothing to do with it. I was set on living with my heavy load long enough to forget it.

Some days where easier than others. It got to the point that it no longer bothered me to see the director. I could even make jokes with him and laugh without remorse. I thought to myself,  "God's grace is great. I dont even have to tell him I lied and I don't feel bad". And then a prayer meeting came. It had just started, the music was playing and people where worshiping, nothing out of the ordinary. I stood in my usual corner and sought out the presence of God. Now by this time in the internship I had grown accostumed to God's unique voice. For this reason I was taken off guard when He said, "find the director and repent". I tried to tell myself that what I heard was condemnation and not God. I knew better though, I knew his voice and I knew that was Him. I told Him I was scared, I told Him that since He died for me I saw no need for me to shame myself by telling the director the truth. His message was unrelenting,  "go tell the director, I will be with you". I knew it was Him and I knew He did not lie, so I asked him for favor.

I moved as fast as I could with out causing a disruption. I went to his usual prayer spot, he was not there. I laughed a little, of all times for him to be somewhere else. I went out to the lobby and scanned all the people out there, found him. He was having a conversation in a crowd of people, of all the scenarios to have to bear one's soul, this was not ideal. I heard the voice again "I am with you". I took a breath, walked towards him and got his attention,  pulled him aside looked him in the eye and repented for my lie all those months ago. I had no idea what was going to happen. We where almost halfway through the internship. What kind of wretched person could hold a lie for so long? I wondered what would be my punishment, would I even be allowed to continue in the internship?  I waited for his answer.

He looked me in the eye, paused for a second, it seemed like a lifetime. He then did the least expected thing, he smiled. I was confused, did he not hear me? I just admitted to a plain lie, the Bible says that Satan is the father of all lies, and you are smiling? He heard me alright, loud and clear and it was precisely my words that made him smile. His reply to me was, "you repented, you are free now, there is nothing I can do to you". He smiled again, hugged me and told me to go back to the sanctuary and pray. I could not stop crying and smiling. I was well aware of what I deserved and I was well aware of what I got in its place. I now understood repentance.

This word, that once caused fear in my heart, now overwhelmed me with joy. I did not understand it before and worst of all I believed satan's definition, he had lied to me. He said that God wanted to shame me and that he wanted me to suffer for my mistakes. This was simply not true, this is the opposite of what repentance does. I learned that day that repentance was not the ownership of sins but the release of them. Repentance is the way in which we allow God to take our burdens, repentance is the way in which we become free from the demons  that haunt us. Next time your sins attempt to intimidate you, have no fear, stand tall, puff your chest and say, "I have sinned, but there is one that took it all for me, and He likes me". Give it all to God allow him to shape your character and mold you in to his image, never run away from repentance for it is a beautiful thing.

Luke 15:10 NIV

"In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

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